My Christmas List.

Dear Santa,

I really don’t want all that much for Christmas this year. I’ve got pretty much everything I could ever want. I have the world’s best family, the greatest friends I could ever hope for, a house that only God could provide, and Very Merry Christmas by Dave Barnes. What more could I possibly ask for, right? Well… There’s one thing that would be kinda awesome to have around. You can probably guess what it is. I know, I know, you’ve got tons of girls asking for friends or acquaintances to become boyfriends or for boyfriends to become fiancés and what have you. But that’s not what I’m asking for (at least not this year). Besides, it’s probably going to take you a long time to find the guy for me. Not that I doubt you or anything, I just have a good amount of criteria for him to fit and standards that he needs to meet. The first one could go without mentioning, but then people might get confused, blahblahblah. You know how it goes.

So. Number one. He’s gotta love Jesus. I’m talkin’ really love Him, none of that “Oh, I’ll just fake it until she’s into me enough that I get bored” crap.

Number two. He has to be funny. If he can’t make me laugh, he doesn’t have much of a chance at all. And what little chance he may have won’t last him long enough to make me go for him without laughing. [EDIT: He also has to understand my humor and wit, and laugh at my jokes.]

Three. He has to like music. ALL music. Not just one genre. If I were a country girl, I would want him to like country music. If I were a city girl, I would probably want him to like anything on the popular radio station. If I were a rock chick, I would want him to like rock music. If I were an indie girl, I would want him to like indie music. If I were a a rap chick, I would want him to like rap, hip-hop, R&B, etc. You get the idea. The point is, I’m none of those things specifically; I’m ALL of those things. Literally. I can carry a conversation with someone on just about every one of those genres, and probably more. Just sayin’. Judging by the length of this paragraph, you should be able to see that although this particular requirement is third, it is still very important to me.

Cuatro. (Yeah, sorry, I just went all Spanish on you. But you know Spanish, right? I mean, come on. You’re SANTA.) He has to be able to dance. This one is semi-optional. He has to at least enjoy dancing. As long as he knows how to have fun and is willing to get out on the floor and dance with me, we’re good. I don’t really care if he’s “good” at dancing. I just like to dance, and it’s not much fun by yourself.

And five. He must be a gentleman. Opens doors (including car doors), well-mannered (says sir and ma’am, doesn’t chew with his mouth open, all that jazz), and tells you when you look nice (especially when it’s obvious that you’ve put a little extra time into your routine). I know it’s hard to find a gentleman these days, but there are a handful of them in my world right now so I know they exist. You just have to find one who loves Jesus, tells jokes, listens to a lot of music, and dances. Not so bad, right?

There are other factors that, well, factor into this (obviously). My family has to like him, he has to be accepted by my friends, and vice versa. Appreciates doing fun things like zoos or picnics, but can then turn around and have a nice dinner with me before a good movie. And I’m sure there are more that aren’t as big of a deal for me right now, but those are the basics. Once you find someone like that, go ahead and save him for me, k? Thanks.

Have a great flight! I’ve got some awesome cookies waiting for you— with milk, of course.
Love,
Savvy.

P.S.
If he could be at least a few inches taller than me, I would seriously appreciate it. A girl’s gotta have her heels.

Re-gifting.

It's been a while since my last blog post. What can I say? Life gets in the way sometimes. I've been wanting to write but there was always Uprising, traveling, class, and then finals week--with a little bit of strep throat mixed in there. Thankfully, finals are over, it's almost Christmas break for Uprising, and I am staying home for the holidays. With that said, on with the post!

Yesterday was my 19th birthday.

I haven't done anything really big to celebrate it yet, but hopefully I'll be heading to the Jingle Ball on Sunday with my sister, Sarah. I spent the morning with Uprising, then headed home to finish some biology assignments, walked around Wiregrass with Nathan & Jeff, then had a great dinner with my family and went to Image. It wasn't a day that had the spotlight on me; not to say that I didn't enjoy the day, that's not my point at all. My point is that none of those things really sound like they would be mind-blowing in and of themselves, right? They're all just things that happen on a weekly basis. But I've been thinking about it--really breaking it down--and I realized how incredibly blessed I felt yesterday. I had one of the best devotionals of all time (I'll get into that later), the biology... well, that just sucked but I had Jeff & Nathan to help me and keep me company, I got to spend time with two of my favorite guys just hanging out and walking around Wiregrass & being awesome in Toys R Us, my mom made exactly what I wanted for dinner (carne esada tacos with all the works & tiramasu) just like she does every year for all of us on our birthday, then I made my way over to Image where Pastor Dean gave us a great message to think about and finally I finished off the evening at Marchello's where my Image family surprised me with delicious candle-topped cheesecake, which helped me check off my one goal for the night--to get something with a candle on it. I drove home last night listening to exactly what I wanted to listen to and dancing shamelessly in my car. I, without a doubt, looked like an idiot.


It was perfect. 




I wasn't expecting to feel the way I've felt, though. 

[Prepare yourself. This post is about to get a whole lot deeper than I intended it to.]

I've been trying to deal with some kind of intense insecurities over the past month or so. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am through Jesus and what He did for me. It's more so along the lines of how I feel in my own skin. To be frank, I've been feeling pretty horrible about myself. I haven't felt like the work outs I'm doing with Uprising are doing much of anything--I feel good health-wise, but I don't feel like my body is changing as much as I was hoping it would. I've been wearing more makeup than usual because I feel ugly.


And I've been listening to every single lie that satan has been whispering in my ear.


That I'm hideous.


That I'm not loved.


That this stupid OCD will never go away.


That I'm fat.


That nothing I do will be enough.


That I can't _________. 




It's disgusting how quickly I agree with everything he says.




All of this has wormed it's way into my mind and heart so much that it's been effecting my quiet time just about every morning. I've been stuck in a rut of trying to do what I deem "good techniques" for devos: pray, read, pray, worship, pray, journal, and so on. I'd essentially been forcing my quiet time for couple of weeks without getting much out of it and I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I finally realized in this past week or so that I haven't been listening. I've been doing everything I can do, trying not to "make God do the work" so I could feel like, once I was satisfied with where I was in my quiet time, I deserved it. No one deserves salvation. No one. If anyone really believes they deserve to be saved, they aren't familiar with God at all. I've been listening to David Walker's album "Closer Than Angels" a good bit lately and found a song that I could relate to on a level that took me past the point of just being emotional. The song is called "It's Been A While." The second verse & chorus were the parts that took me from just tearing up to becoming completely broken...


Your ways astound me / And my ways are revealing my need to know you more / I'm crying out, Lord
It's been a while since I've been on fire / Would you mind showing me some light? / And it's been a while since I've been on fire / I'm nothing but ashes on the inside...
You see beauty in me / Let me see you


I've listened to this song over and over again since last Thursday just begging God to speak to me; asking him to say something profound to me. But He hasn't, and it's been frustrating. Not to mention the fact that it made me that much more vulnerable to the previous lies I'd been believing.


Yesterday, though, I opened my journal to start writing and kept feeling the need to stop. I got halfway through my first sentence and my pen ran out of ink.

"Okay, God. I get it. I'll stop."

So I stopped. I didn't write. I didn't read. I did sing--and then He told me to stop that, too, so I did. All I did was sit. I sat and I listened. I listened to the lyrics. I listened to the notes, the melodies, the harmonies. And finally I was quiet enough to hear what God wanted to tell me...

"You are beautiful. You are loved. I absolutely adore you. Being insecure in your skin is like telling Me that the beautiful garments of silk I have given you are insufficient. You are My perfect creation. There is no one else that I have made who is just like you. I did that on purpose. You are enough. I don't need anyone else to be you. And you are worthy of My love. Trust Me."

I don't openly share what God and I have been talking about because often times it's just too intimate for me to invite people into that realm of my life, but what He shared with me applies to everyone on such an intimate level that I can't deprive someone of something that they might really be needing to hear, just like I was. I needed that yesterday. And I continue needing to hear it everyday. I'm working on some cards to keep in different places--in my car, on my mirrors, in my bag, etc--so that I will be continually reminded of my worth to Him.

The best birthday gift He could've given me was taken care of a while back (hint: His kid was involved), but this was a very close second for me.

Welcome to the world of my thoughts and emotions.

68 Days Ago...

I begin this blog tonight feeling emotions no one should ever have to feel;
mostly because no one should ever have to be involved in the memorial service for a 2-year-old. This one day has felt like at least a week... My head hurts, my body hurts, and most of all my heart hurts. Not only for the loss and memories that I am feeling but more so for Kyle and Robyn  Matthews as they move through this great tragedy. I can't put into words the respect and admiration I have for both of them. They, along with Ezra, have inspired me more in the past six months than I think anyone has until that point. The strength Kyle and Robyn have shown not only today but since day one of eight hundred has been a true testimony of Phillippians 4:13. I don't know how to articulate the way I feel right now other than this:

I am simply not myself. 

On that note I want to tell you that the goal of this post is not to impress anyone or to write about some deep thought that I've been pondering for days or hours... I just want to write for the sake of writing. I write to feel; but at the same time I write to get my mind off what my heart is feeling. I just write to decompress. 


I've been thinking of what I want the subject of my second post to be for the past few days, and I keep coming back to the fact that many of you who are gracious enough to read my attempt at blogging might not know a lot of the most important characters in the story of my life. I also realized that I didn't make it very clear in my last post that Uprising is a huge part of my life. Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to tell you the initial thoughts that I remembered to write down about my fellow interns in my physical journal while we were camping in the mountains of Amicalola, Georgia. Keep in mind that I had only met the majority of them fewer than once or twice. I am also editing/revising/paraphrasing what I wrote that day. I had quite a bit of time on my hands while everyone was hiking.

On the morning of September 8th, I began an entry that defined my first thoughts towards the people I now consider to be my closest friends: I woke up in a tent between Chloe Crebs and Amber Porter. These two girls are both incredible. We've done a lot of bonding in just the past 24 hours. I am so grateful to be here with Uprising. Last night we had a good time at the first campfire sharing our stories and our reasons for being here today. Some of the others' stories really surprised me. God has such an awesome way of bringing people together and it's all for his glory. And speaking of people, I want to remember everything about my thoughts towards my fellow "Uprisers." (: Chloe Crebs, Amber Porter, Casey Bonham, Nathanael Duran, Tyler Brooks, Ian Hall, and our leader Bryan Singleton...

Chloe Crebs has got to be one of the nicest, most sincere girls I have ever had the privilege of knowing, regardless of the fact that I haven't really known her for very long at all. She's sweet, and funny, and I'm really hoping to develop a deeper friendship with her. She seems very similar to me.

Amber Porter might be the most amiable person I have ever met. Haha. She is just such a sweetheart. (: And she's a major encourager, which I can definitely appreciate. I always seem to respond best when I am given positive feedback. Even if there is something I need to work on, I can comprehend the things that need improvement if I am told something that I am doing well.

Casey Bonham has been a friend of mine since before I moved here, but more so since summer of 2009-ish time. Haha. Getting to know Casey has been a journey. He's hard to read sometimes; you don't always know what he's thinking. At least, I can't seem to figure him out. Haha. He really is an amazing guy, though. Man, actually-- an amazing man of God. He's someone I can see having a pretty solid friendship with for a long time.

Nathanael Duran... Oh. My. Gosh. I just met Nathanael on Tuesday, but he has got to be one of the coolest guys I've ever known. Good grief, the kid is hilarious. He will definitely be bringing a lot of laughter into our lives these next nine months.

Tyler Brooks is such a passionate guy! I love it! He is loud, and exciting, and stoked about everything in life. Especially Uprising. It's great. (: I met Tyler for the first time on Tuesday and, honestly, I didn't know what to expect from this guy; but he really is great. He has a story for everything (and they're all long stories) but they're extremely entertaining.

Ian Hall was the one person that I had seen around a lot, but didn't know what to expect because I had never met him before. The guy is awesome. He's goofy, and funny, and real, and just plain cool. He's also juggling Uprising and school this year, so it will be nice to have a buddy to relate to.

Bryan Singleton is just an absolutely incredible person. He's funny, and silly, and he has such a heart for us as interns and for God. I'm excited to see where his leadership will take us in the coming year... or years. (;

This year with Uprising holds so many possibilities... I can't wait to see where God takes us and how he uses us for his purposes. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone even better; and if this goes the way I'm assuming it will, we'll all be very close by the time we get to the end of the next 72 hours. As I get to know everyone, I feel more and more comfortable with letting myself go and just being me-- flaws and all. I just keep reminding myself that everyone in this group is human. We all have our flaws, and we all have our weaknesses, but at the same time we all have our strengths and we all accept each other for who we are-- flaws and weaknesses included. It isn't my intention for anyone from previous years to take this personally, but I think this particular group of interns is the best that Uprising has had to date. I feel like we all have the same heart towards ministry and towards each other. We have the same mindset in that we are all committed to being very group-oriented and selfless. 

All in all...

It's gonna be a great year.

The Daunting First Post.

Beginning to blog seems to be an unusually difficult task for me. I sat down to create this blog and then thought to myself, "What the heck am I doing? I don't know what to write about? Where do I even start?" Truth be told, I have no idea where to begin, or even where I'm going with this. Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens? Maybe I should plan it out with a rough draft, then post the finalized version? Or maybe I should start by introducing myself? I don't think I feel comfortable inviting you into my head without at least a proper introduction to me and who I am. So here we go...

My name is Savannah Grace Selby.

I am in what many believe to be the prime of my life and I am very much looking forward to my future. I am a daughter, a self-proclaimed Jesus lover, an optimist, an actor, a closet hopeless romantic, and a music enthusiast. The fact that I have an amazing relationship with the God of the universe is easily the best part of my life-- followed closely by the relationships I have with my family and the people I spend the most time with. Despite the low points and hardships I face from day to day, life is unbelievably good. I haven't always been in such a great spot, though. Discovering who I am in God and embracing it has just happened within the past few years. More so in the past year and a half. My first two years of high school were spent trying to impress the people I thought were most important. All I wanted was to be accepted and praised for who they thought I was, so I made incredibly dumb decisions. But it worked. At least for a while I was one of the most popular girls in school. I was still lying to my parents and everyone I spent time at church with, though. Thankfully, my family and I moved before I could really get into trouble. When my "friends" found out I was moving I was booted out of the group and then all-too-easily replaced. Ouch. After a brief stint in Charlotte I moved to the Tampa area and got involved at Grace Family Church where lifelong family friends, the Graves, went. I was also getting into the high school acting program with Nathan-- a definite highlight of my high school career. The friends I have made in the past two years are the kind that I know will always be around.

My life changed drastically on June 13th, 2009 around 1 pm when five of my good friends and I were T-boned while turning left at an intersection. My pelvis fractured in 2 places, part of my lower back broke, and I herniated a disc in my back. I spent my summer sitting or laying in whatever position I could find that was the least uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time by myself that summer. It was extremely hard for me since I'm a fairly social person, but God proved Romans 8:28 to be true and taught me that being alone isn't a bad thing. In fact, it can be a really great thing. I had friends come over, of course! And those friends are the ones I'm still very close with now.


As much as I liked to pretend, my life would never be the same. It just recently hit me: this doesn't just go away. I don't have the flu. It isn't a cold. I can't take a nap & some medicine and suddenly it will be gone. This is something that I am learning to live with for the rest of my life. The physical aspect of everything is hard for me, yes. But it's even more difficult for me to deal with the mental aspect: my pride, independence, fear of vulnerability, etc. I've always been a very independent person. I don't like admitting that I need help sometimes. And I don't let people see when I'm hurting. In my mind, it makes me weak. I don't like being perceived as weak. Weakness belittles me. I have been working on changing this mindset, though. I've already been mad at God. I've screamed and yelled and cried, all the while not understanding why. Why me? Why now? Why do I have to be the one who can't run? Why do I have to be the girl who has arthritis at 18? Just... Why? I don't have the answer to any of those questions. All I know is that I still love God; and He absolutely adores the least-deserving person ever created: me.


What happened to me does not define me; but it does influence my everyday life.

Another area of my life that is literally a part of every single day is Uprising. I am in a leadership internship right now that is growing and stretching me in ways that I couldn't have imagined. I'm learning about myself and about what it is to be working in ministry. The other interns (who are practically family by now) and I went to this huge conference called Catalyst in Atlanta last month. If I were to go into detail about each speaker and how they influenced my life I would be going on & on for hours, you would stop reading-- if you haven't stopped already. The most life-changing part of Catalyst was this, though: I want to work with orphans now. Until last month I was planning on going into veterinary technology. Now, though, I'm switching my major to education. I want to be able to teach wherever I am, whether it be South Africa, Land O' Lakes, or California. The point is, I don't know where I'm going to end up; but I'm trying my best to keep in step (Forgotten God).

I'm out of time today-- yes, I know, big sigh of relief-- but hopefully this has given you some insight into who I am and the things that matter to me.