Re-gifting.

It's been a while since my last blog post. What can I say? Life gets in the way sometimes. I've been wanting to write but there was always Uprising, traveling, class, and then finals week--with a little bit of strep throat mixed in there. Thankfully, finals are over, it's almost Christmas break for Uprising, and I am staying home for the holidays. With that said, on with the post!

Yesterday was my 19th birthday.

I haven't done anything really big to celebrate it yet, but hopefully I'll be heading to the Jingle Ball on Sunday with my sister, Sarah. I spent the morning with Uprising, then headed home to finish some biology assignments, walked around Wiregrass with Nathan & Jeff, then had a great dinner with my family and went to Image. It wasn't a day that had the spotlight on me; not to say that I didn't enjoy the day, that's not my point at all. My point is that none of those things really sound like they would be mind-blowing in and of themselves, right? They're all just things that happen on a weekly basis. But I've been thinking about it--really breaking it down--and I realized how incredibly blessed I felt yesterday. I had one of the best devotionals of all time (I'll get into that later), the biology... well, that just sucked but I had Jeff & Nathan to help me and keep me company, I got to spend time with two of my favorite guys just hanging out and walking around Wiregrass & being awesome in Toys R Us, my mom made exactly what I wanted for dinner (carne esada tacos with all the works & tiramasu) just like she does every year for all of us on our birthday, then I made my way over to Image where Pastor Dean gave us a great message to think about and finally I finished off the evening at Marchello's where my Image family surprised me with delicious candle-topped cheesecake, which helped me check off my one goal for the night--to get something with a candle on it. I drove home last night listening to exactly what I wanted to listen to and dancing shamelessly in my car. I, without a doubt, looked like an idiot.


It was perfect. 




I wasn't expecting to feel the way I've felt, though. 

[Prepare yourself. This post is about to get a whole lot deeper than I intended it to.]

I've been trying to deal with some kind of intense insecurities over the past month or so. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am through Jesus and what He did for me. It's more so along the lines of how I feel in my own skin. To be frank, I've been feeling pretty horrible about myself. I haven't felt like the work outs I'm doing with Uprising are doing much of anything--I feel good health-wise, but I don't feel like my body is changing as much as I was hoping it would. I've been wearing more makeup than usual because I feel ugly.


And I've been listening to every single lie that satan has been whispering in my ear.


That I'm hideous.


That I'm not loved.


That this stupid OCD will never go away.


That I'm fat.


That nothing I do will be enough.


That I can't _________. 




It's disgusting how quickly I agree with everything he says.




All of this has wormed it's way into my mind and heart so much that it's been effecting my quiet time just about every morning. I've been stuck in a rut of trying to do what I deem "good techniques" for devos: pray, read, pray, worship, pray, journal, and so on. I'd essentially been forcing my quiet time for couple of weeks without getting much out of it and I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I finally realized in this past week or so that I haven't been listening. I've been doing everything I can do, trying not to "make God do the work" so I could feel like, once I was satisfied with where I was in my quiet time, I deserved it. No one deserves salvation. No one. If anyone really believes they deserve to be saved, they aren't familiar with God at all. I've been listening to David Walker's album "Closer Than Angels" a good bit lately and found a song that I could relate to on a level that took me past the point of just being emotional. The song is called "It's Been A While." The second verse & chorus were the parts that took me from just tearing up to becoming completely broken...


Your ways astound me / And my ways are revealing my need to know you more / I'm crying out, Lord
It's been a while since I've been on fire / Would you mind showing me some light? / And it's been a while since I've been on fire / I'm nothing but ashes on the inside...
You see beauty in me / Let me see you


I've listened to this song over and over again since last Thursday just begging God to speak to me; asking him to say something profound to me. But He hasn't, and it's been frustrating. Not to mention the fact that it made me that much more vulnerable to the previous lies I'd been believing.


Yesterday, though, I opened my journal to start writing and kept feeling the need to stop. I got halfway through my first sentence and my pen ran out of ink.

"Okay, God. I get it. I'll stop."

So I stopped. I didn't write. I didn't read. I did sing--and then He told me to stop that, too, so I did. All I did was sit. I sat and I listened. I listened to the lyrics. I listened to the notes, the melodies, the harmonies. And finally I was quiet enough to hear what God wanted to tell me...

"You are beautiful. You are loved. I absolutely adore you. Being insecure in your skin is like telling Me that the beautiful garments of silk I have given you are insufficient. You are My perfect creation. There is no one else that I have made who is just like you. I did that on purpose. You are enough. I don't need anyone else to be you. And you are worthy of My love. Trust Me."

I don't openly share what God and I have been talking about because often times it's just too intimate for me to invite people into that realm of my life, but what He shared with me applies to everyone on such an intimate level that I can't deprive someone of something that they might really be needing to hear, just like I was. I needed that yesterday. And I continue needing to hear it everyday. I'm working on some cards to keep in different places--in my car, on my mirrors, in my bag, etc--so that I will be continually reminded of my worth to Him.

The best birthday gift He could've given me was taken care of a while back (hint: His kid was involved), but this was a very close second for me.

Welcome to the world of my thoughts and emotions.