Ashes.

Last week was difficult for me. I was feeling very insecure, uncertain of the future, disheartened, hurt, desperate, confused, and trying to grasp the reality I was living in. I was trying very hard to keep God at the center of the mobile that I call my life, but being blindsided by something you never expected makes that all the more difficult. My enemy takes every opportunity he can get to take some ground out from under me regardless of whether it's an inch or a mile, but the more I allow him to do so, the more I lose sight of the hope, the grace, and the love I get to live in through the victory won for me on the cross. I'm not trying to be 'religious' or 'shove my religion on you' or anything like that. Since this is my blog, though, I'm going to express myself--and that includes expressing how I feel about my relationship with an all-powerful, star-breathing God who cares enough about me to give me new mercies every single day and give me relationships that I don't deserve.


But I digress.




Music has always been an essential outlet for me. There is a song for just about every significant event in my life--my first real best friend... the first show I ever performed in... the sleepless nights spent at a friend's house... the moment I realized I actually liked country music... a first kiss... falling in love. Every song has a memory attached to it.That is one reason I chose to add a playlist to this blog.


I can breathe.
I can let go. 
I can connect.


Frankly, music makes me feel.
A friend of mine once said, "Every move of God is marked by the music it creates." I agree one-hundred percent.


Everyone has a different relationship with God. Some people hate him, some are obsessed with him, some think he's only a judge, some take him too lightly, and some don't take him seriously enough. I honestly believe God uses music as one of his tools to connect with & encourage me.


One of my closest friends made two 30-minute tracks of nothing but worship music and introduced the rest of Uprising to it last Monday. It was something that I really enjoyed, but I didn't realize how thankful I would be for it until that night when I was challenged with some circumstances that I wasn't sure how to handle. In the whirlwind of seeking comfort and working my way towards authentic forgiveness I turned to God especially through music. Listening to the mix, I started comprehending lyrics instead of just singing them.


Lyrics that hit me especially hard were from Our God by Chris Tomlin.


Out of the ashes we rise.



Such inspiring lyrics, but until last week I hadn’t ever stopped to think about their meaning. 
I’ve come to the conclusion that if there are ashes, then there must have been a fire. We can’t rise from the ashes of our lives without first living through the fires that produce them.

“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”




"Take heart! I have conquered the world."

Hold the applause.

Since the start of Uprising I've been keeping track of the weeks in my journal during devo time every morning. Some people think it's a strange habit, but I can't help it--I like keeping track of things. (: Some pages are filled top to bottom, front and back, others have only a few words on them, and some days aren't even accounted for (I decided not to write, or I didn't make enough time to write, etc). I keep an arsenal of resources with me every morning so I can be prepared for whatever I feel led to do. Sometimes I sit in silence, sometimes I pray incessantly, sometimes I focus on keeping my heart right and worshipping God with music, and sometimes I write the entire time. There are mornings when I feel like my efforts are reaching the ceiling and plummeting back down to the floor. Those are the most discouraging mornings--the mornings that make the day more difficult because I feel like I'm taking on the world without God. There are other mornings, though, when I start out with no direction and end up incredibly uplifted by what God puts in front of my face.

Wednesday of week seventeen had me marveling at how far into the program we had come. I was in awe of God and the things he's been doing in and through our group and Grace Family Church. I felt encouraged already but I didn't have any specific direction to go in, so I prayed, popped my headphones in, and started going through my options. I thought about reading out of my Solo devo, or Who I Am In Christ. I even grabbed My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers (one of my favorite choices), but each time I turned a page in these great books I wasn't feeling what I was looking for--even though I had no idea what it was.


I stopped.


I prayed.


I waited.



Finally, I reached for my bible.
"This feels right."



I started flipping through pages to get to my go-to books: Psalms & Proverbs. But once I got there I kept on going. I ended up in Matthew.

"Matthew? Okay, I'm down."


As I began reading, I felt encouraged and challenged at the same time. I got to Matthew 6:1 and it really stuck with me. It says to "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding." I felt like it was challenge to me to keep myself in check and serve without being rewarded or applauded. To put the needs of others before my own without expecting any personal gain.

I don't need an audience; I don't need the applause. 


That got me thinking even more. God is going to applaud each of us someday if we take the time to invest in our relationship with him and not keep it on the surface. This is something that I've been trying to grow in over the past few months: depth. I don't open up easily (ask my mother, she has to play 20 Questions more than she should have to). When I've read a book or had a time of devotion it's harder for me to share how it hit me since I don't actually know how I really feel about it until hours later. As I kept up with my train of thought I started to think about applause. What does it mean? Why do we do it? Who or what actually deserves it? When I titled this post, I just thought it was catchy; but the more I've thought about it, the more I want to reiterate that this final paragraph is not "the very end." Yes, it's close to the end of this particular blog post, but it's not "the end." God deserves the applause. All of it. It's hard to applaud one thing whole-heartedly without taking away from something else that you're applauding; it's even more difficult to alternate the things you give your applause to. The last time you clapped with everything you had weren't your hands hurting by the end of it? Didn't your arms get tired after a while? Think about the things you're applauding in your life. A relationship? A career? Friends? School? Music? Family? Those are all things to celebrate and take joy in, but don't forget about the source of that joy. Who gave it to you? Who created each of the things I just listed? Who wakes you up in the morning with a breath of air in your lungs?

Hold your applause until the very end. You don't want to have limp, tired hands when the ultimate party is just getting started.

(Check out "Your Arrival" by Phil Wickham. I really wanted to put it on the playlist for this post, but I can't seem to find it. It's an awesome song, though. I've been listening to it a lot while writing this.)

2011.

I'm not making any resolutions this year. I've never been a fan of them. I am, however, going to make goals for myself that don't necessarily pertain to this new year. They're just things that I want to do, and with everyone declaring their goals for this year I figured I'd blurt out my goals for my the kind of person I want to become. I don't want to call them resolutions, but that's essentially what they are. So, here it goes...

I'm going to be myself. All the time. I'm going to dance when I feel like dancing. I'm going to stop trying to read minds & quit caring about what other people are thinking about me. I'm going to do the things that I really want to do, and not let other people "should" on me. I'm not going to let anyone rain on my parade. I'm going to use my optimism to my advantage. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to remember who I am, and who I'm not. I'm going to love myself & take care of myself. I'm going to be nicer to people. I'm going to learn to keep my sarcasm in check. I'm going to make my parents proud. I'm going to become a better sister & a better friend. I'm going to be open-minded. I'm going to try to think beyond my own perspective. 

This year is going to be a year of mistakes; a year of triumphs; a year of learning. It's going to be filled with new experiences, new places, & new friendships. 

But through everything that happens this year

I'm not going to change,

I'm only going to become more clearly myself.