Grassroots Activism Project

Ashes.

Last week was difficult for me. I was feeling very insecure, uncertain of the future, disheartened, hurt, desperate, confused, and trying to grasp the reality I was living in. I was trying very hard to keep God at the center of the mobile that I call my life, but being blindsided by something you never expected makes that all the more difficult. My enemy takes every opportunity he can get to take some ground out from under me regardless of whether it's an inch or a mile, but the more I allow him to do so, the more I lose sight of the hope, the grace, and the love I get to live in through the victory won for me on the cross. I'm not trying to be 'religious' or 'shove my religion on you' or anything like that. Since this is my blog, though, I'm going to express myself--and that includes expressing how I feel about my relationship with an all-powerful, star-breathing God who cares enough about me to give me new mercies every single day and give me relationships that I don't deserve.


But I digress.




Music has always been an essential outlet for me. There is a song for just about every significant event in my life--my first real best friend... the first show I ever performed in... the sleepless nights spent at a friend's house... the moment I realized I actually liked country music... a first kiss... falling in love. Every song has a memory attached to it.That is one reason I chose to add a playlist to this blog.


I can breathe.
I can let go. 
I can connect.


Frankly, music makes me feel.
A friend of mine once said, "Every move of God is marked by the music it creates." I agree one-hundred percent.


Everyone has a different relationship with God. Some people hate him, some are obsessed with him, some think he's only a judge, some take him too lightly, and some don't take him seriously enough. I honestly believe God uses music as one of his tools to connect with & encourage me.


One of my closest friends made two 30-minute tracks of nothing but worship music and introduced the rest of Uprising to it last Monday. It was something that I really enjoyed, but I didn't realize how thankful I would be for it until that night when I was challenged with some circumstances that I wasn't sure how to handle. In the whirlwind of seeking comfort and working my way towards authentic forgiveness I turned to God especially through music. Listening to the mix, I started comprehending lyrics instead of just singing them.


Lyrics that hit me especially hard were from Our God by Chris Tomlin.


Out of the ashes we rise.



Such inspiring lyrics, but until last week I hadn’t ever stopped to think about their meaning. 
I’ve come to the conclusion that if there are ashes, then there must have been a fire. We can’t rise from the ashes of our lives without first living through the fires that produce them.

“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”




"Take heart! I have conquered the world."

Hold the applause.

Since the start of Uprising I've been keeping track of the weeks in my journal during devo time every morning. Some people think it's a strange habit, but I can't help it--I like keeping track of things. (: Some pages are filled top to bottom, front and back, others have only a few words on them, and some days aren't even accounted for (I decided not to write, or I didn't make enough time to write, etc). I keep an arsenal of resources with me every morning so I can be prepared for whatever I feel led to do. Sometimes I sit in silence, sometimes I pray incessantly, sometimes I focus on keeping my heart right and worshipping God with music, and sometimes I write the entire time. There are mornings when I feel like my efforts are reaching the ceiling and plummeting back down to the floor. Those are the most discouraging mornings--the mornings that make the day more difficult because I feel like I'm taking on the world without God. There are other mornings, though, when I start out with no direction and end up incredibly uplifted by what God puts in front of my face.

Wednesday of week seventeen had me marveling at how far into the program we had come. I was in awe of God and the things he's been doing in and through our group and Grace Family Church. I felt encouraged already but I didn't have any specific direction to go in, so I prayed, popped my headphones in, and started going through my options. I thought about reading out of my Solo devo, or Who I Am In Christ. I even grabbed My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers (one of my favorite choices), but each time I turned a page in these great books I wasn't feeling what I was looking for--even though I had no idea what it was.


I stopped.


I prayed.


I waited.



Finally, I reached for my bible.
"This feels right."



I started flipping through pages to get to my go-to books: Psalms & Proverbs. But once I got there I kept on going. I ended up in Matthew.

"Matthew? Okay, I'm down."


As I began reading, I felt encouraged and challenged at the same time. I got to Matthew 6:1 and it really stuck with me. It says to "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding." I felt like it was challenge to me to keep myself in check and serve without being rewarded or applauded. To put the needs of others before my own without expecting any personal gain.

I don't need an audience; I don't need the applause. 


That got me thinking even more. God is going to applaud each of us someday if we take the time to invest in our relationship with him and not keep it on the surface. This is something that I've been trying to grow in over the past few months: depth. I don't open up easily (ask my mother, she has to play 20 Questions more than she should have to). When I've read a book or had a time of devotion it's harder for me to share how it hit me since I don't actually know how I really feel about it until hours later. As I kept up with my train of thought I started to think about applause. What does it mean? Why do we do it? Who or what actually deserves it? When I titled this post, I just thought it was catchy; but the more I've thought about it, the more I want to reiterate that this final paragraph is not "the very end." Yes, it's close to the end of this particular blog post, but it's not "the end." God deserves the applause. All of it. It's hard to applaud one thing whole-heartedly without taking away from something else that you're applauding; it's even more difficult to alternate the things you give your applause to. The last time you clapped with everything you had weren't your hands hurting by the end of it? Didn't your arms get tired after a while? Think about the things you're applauding in your life. A relationship? A career? Friends? School? Music? Family? Those are all things to celebrate and take joy in, but don't forget about the source of that joy. Who gave it to you? Who created each of the things I just listed? Who wakes you up in the morning with a breath of air in your lungs?

Hold your applause until the very end. You don't want to have limp, tired hands when the ultimate party is just getting started.

(Check out "Your Arrival" by Phil Wickham. I really wanted to put it on the playlist for this post, but I can't seem to find it. It's an awesome song, though. I've been listening to it a lot while writing this.)

2011.

I'm not making any resolutions this year. I've never been a fan of them. I am, however, going to make goals for myself that don't necessarily pertain to this new year. They're just things that I want to do, and with everyone declaring their goals for this year I figured I'd blurt out my goals for my the kind of person I want to become. I don't want to call them resolutions, but that's essentially what they are. So, here it goes...

I'm going to be myself. All the time. I'm going to dance when I feel like dancing. I'm going to stop trying to read minds & quit caring about what other people are thinking about me. I'm going to do the things that I really want to do, and not let other people "should" on me. I'm not going to let anyone rain on my parade. I'm going to use my optimism to my advantage. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to remember who I am, and who I'm not. I'm going to love myself & take care of myself. I'm going to be nicer to people. I'm going to learn to keep my sarcasm in check. I'm going to make my parents proud. I'm going to become a better sister & a better friend. I'm going to be open-minded. I'm going to try to think beyond my own perspective. 

This year is going to be a year of mistakes; a year of triumphs; a year of learning. It's going to be filled with new experiences, new places, & new friendships. 

But through everything that happens this year

I'm not going to change,

I'm only going to become more clearly myself.

My Christmas List.

Dear Santa,

I really don’t want all that much for Christmas this year. I’ve got pretty much everything I could ever want. I have the world’s best family, the greatest friends I could ever hope for, a house that only God could provide, and Very Merry Christmas by Dave Barnes. What more could I possibly ask for, right? Well… There’s one thing that would be kinda awesome to have around. You can probably guess what it is. I know, I know, you’ve got tons of girls asking for friends or acquaintances to become boyfriends or for boyfriends to become fiancés and what have you. But that’s not what I’m asking for (at least not this year). Besides, it’s probably going to take you a long time to find the guy for me. Not that I doubt you or anything, I just have a good amount of criteria for him to fit and standards that he needs to meet. The first one could go without mentioning, but then people might get confused, blahblahblah. You know how it goes.

So. Number one. He’s gotta love Jesus. I’m talkin’ really love Him, none of that “Oh, I’ll just fake it until she’s into me enough that I get bored” crap.

Number two. He has to be funny. If he can’t make me laugh, he doesn’t have much of a chance at all. And what little chance he may have won’t last him long enough to make me go for him without laughing. [EDIT: He also has to understand my humor and wit, and laugh at my jokes.]

Three. He has to like music. ALL music. Not just one genre. If I were a country girl, I would want him to like country music. If I were a city girl, I would probably want him to like anything on the popular radio station. If I were a rock chick, I would want him to like rock music. If I were an indie girl, I would want him to like indie music. If I were a a rap chick, I would want him to like rap, hip-hop, R&B, etc. You get the idea. The point is, I’m none of those things specifically; I’m ALL of those things. Literally. I can carry a conversation with someone on just about every one of those genres, and probably more. Just sayin’. Judging by the length of this paragraph, you should be able to see that although this particular requirement is third, it is still very important to me.

Cuatro. (Yeah, sorry, I just went all Spanish on you. But you know Spanish, right? I mean, come on. You’re SANTA.) He has to be able to dance. This one is semi-optional. He has to at least enjoy dancing. As long as he knows how to have fun and is willing to get out on the floor and dance with me, we’re good. I don’t really care if he’s “good” at dancing. I just like to dance, and it’s not much fun by yourself.

And five. He must be a gentleman. Opens doors (including car doors), well-mannered (says sir and ma’am, doesn’t chew with his mouth open, all that jazz), and tells you when you look nice (especially when it’s obvious that you’ve put a little extra time into your routine). I know it’s hard to find a gentleman these days, but there are a handful of them in my world right now so I know they exist. You just have to find one who loves Jesus, tells jokes, listens to a lot of music, and dances. Not so bad, right?

There are other factors that, well, factor into this (obviously). My family has to like him, he has to be accepted by my friends, and vice versa. Appreciates doing fun things like zoos or picnics, but can then turn around and have a nice dinner with me before a good movie. And I’m sure there are more that aren’t as big of a deal for me right now, but those are the basics. Once you find someone like that, go ahead and save him for me, k? Thanks.

Have a great flight! I’ve got some awesome cookies waiting for you— with milk, of course.
Love,
Savvy.

P.S.
If he could be at least a few inches taller than me, I would seriously appreciate it. A girl’s gotta have her heels.

Re-gifting.

It's been a while since my last blog post. What can I say? Life gets in the way sometimes. I've been wanting to write but there was always Uprising, traveling, class, and then finals week--with a little bit of strep throat mixed in there. Thankfully, finals are over, it's almost Christmas break for Uprising, and I am staying home for the holidays. With that said, on with the post!

Yesterday was my 19th birthday.

I haven't done anything really big to celebrate it yet, but hopefully I'll be heading to the Jingle Ball on Sunday with my sister, Sarah. I spent the morning with Uprising, then headed home to finish some biology assignments, walked around Wiregrass with Nathan & Jeff, then had a great dinner with my family and went to Image. It wasn't a day that had the spotlight on me; not to say that I didn't enjoy the day, that's not my point at all. My point is that none of those things really sound like they would be mind-blowing in and of themselves, right? They're all just things that happen on a weekly basis. But I've been thinking about it--really breaking it down--and I realized how incredibly blessed I felt yesterday. I had one of the best devotionals of all time (I'll get into that later), the biology... well, that just sucked but I had Jeff & Nathan to help me and keep me company, I got to spend time with two of my favorite guys just hanging out and walking around Wiregrass & being awesome in Toys R Us, my mom made exactly what I wanted for dinner (carne esada tacos with all the works & tiramasu) just like she does every year for all of us on our birthday, then I made my way over to Image where Pastor Dean gave us a great message to think about and finally I finished off the evening at Marchello's where my Image family surprised me with delicious candle-topped cheesecake, which helped me check off my one goal for the night--to get something with a candle on it. I drove home last night listening to exactly what I wanted to listen to and dancing shamelessly in my car. I, without a doubt, looked like an idiot.


It was perfect. 




I wasn't expecting to feel the way I've felt, though. 

[Prepare yourself. This post is about to get a whole lot deeper than I intended it to.]

I've been trying to deal with some kind of intense insecurities over the past month or so. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am through Jesus and what He did for me. It's more so along the lines of how I feel in my own skin. To be frank, I've been feeling pretty horrible about myself. I haven't felt like the work outs I'm doing with Uprising are doing much of anything--I feel good health-wise, but I don't feel like my body is changing as much as I was hoping it would. I've been wearing more makeup than usual because I feel ugly.


And I've been listening to every single lie that satan has been whispering in my ear.


That I'm hideous.


That I'm not loved.


That this stupid OCD will never go away.


That I'm fat.


That nothing I do will be enough.


That I can't _________. 




It's disgusting how quickly I agree with everything he says.




All of this has wormed it's way into my mind and heart so much that it's been effecting my quiet time just about every morning. I've been stuck in a rut of trying to do what I deem "good techniques" for devos: pray, read, pray, worship, pray, journal, and so on. I'd essentially been forcing my quiet time for couple of weeks without getting much out of it and I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I finally realized in this past week or so that I haven't been listening. I've been doing everything I can do, trying not to "make God do the work" so I could feel like, once I was satisfied with where I was in my quiet time, I deserved it. No one deserves salvation. No one. If anyone really believes they deserve to be saved, they aren't familiar with God at all. I've been listening to David Walker's album "Closer Than Angels" a good bit lately and found a song that I could relate to on a level that took me past the point of just being emotional. The song is called "It's Been A While." The second verse & chorus were the parts that took me from just tearing up to becoming completely broken...


Your ways astound me / And my ways are revealing my need to know you more / I'm crying out, Lord
It's been a while since I've been on fire / Would you mind showing me some light? / And it's been a while since I've been on fire / I'm nothing but ashes on the inside...
You see beauty in me / Let me see you


I've listened to this song over and over again since last Thursday just begging God to speak to me; asking him to say something profound to me. But He hasn't, and it's been frustrating. Not to mention the fact that it made me that much more vulnerable to the previous lies I'd been believing.


Yesterday, though, I opened my journal to start writing and kept feeling the need to stop. I got halfway through my first sentence and my pen ran out of ink.

"Okay, God. I get it. I'll stop."

So I stopped. I didn't write. I didn't read. I did sing--and then He told me to stop that, too, so I did. All I did was sit. I sat and I listened. I listened to the lyrics. I listened to the notes, the melodies, the harmonies. And finally I was quiet enough to hear what God wanted to tell me...

"You are beautiful. You are loved. I absolutely adore you. Being insecure in your skin is like telling Me that the beautiful garments of silk I have given you are insufficient. You are My perfect creation. There is no one else that I have made who is just like you. I did that on purpose. You are enough. I don't need anyone else to be you. And you are worthy of My love. Trust Me."

I don't openly share what God and I have been talking about because often times it's just too intimate for me to invite people into that realm of my life, but what He shared with me applies to everyone on such an intimate level that I can't deprive someone of something that they might really be needing to hear, just like I was. I needed that yesterday. And I continue needing to hear it everyday. I'm working on some cards to keep in different places--in my car, on my mirrors, in my bag, etc--so that I will be continually reminded of my worth to Him.

The best birthday gift He could've given me was taken care of a while back (hint: His kid was involved), but this was a very close second for me.

Welcome to the world of my thoughts and emotions.

68 Days Ago...

I begin this blog tonight feeling emotions no one should ever have to feel;
mostly because no one should ever have to be involved in the memorial service for a 2-year-old. This one day has felt like at least a week... My head hurts, my body hurts, and most of all my heart hurts. Not only for the loss and memories that I am feeling but more so for Kyle and Robyn  Matthews as they move through this great tragedy. I can't put into words the respect and admiration I have for both of them. They, along with Ezra, have inspired me more in the past six months than I think anyone has until that point. The strength Kyle and Robyn have shown not only today but since day one of eight hundred has been a true testimony of Phillippians 4:13. I don't know how to articulate the way I feel right now other than this:

I am simply not myself. 

On that note I want to tell you that the goal of this post is not to impress anyone or to write about some deep thought that I've been pondering for days or hours... I just want to write for the sake of writing. I write to feel; but at the same time I write to get my mind off what my heart is feeling. I just write to decompress. 


I've been thinking of what I want the subject of my second post to be for the past few days, and I keep coming back to the fact that many of you who are gracious enough to read my attempt at blogging might not know a lot of the most important characters in the story of my life. I also realized that I didn't make it very clear in my last post that Uprising is a huge part of my life. Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to tell you the initial thoughts that I remembered to write down about my fellow interns in my physical journal while we were camping in the mountains of Amicalola, Georgia. Keep in mind that I had only met the majority of them fewer than once or twice. I am also editing/revising/paraphrasing what I wrote that day. I had quite a bit of time on my hands while everyone was hiking.

On the morning of September 8th, I began an entry that defined my first thoughts towards the people I now consider to be my closest friends: I woke up in a tent between Chloe Crebs and Amber Porter. These two girls are both incredible. We've done a lot of bonding in just the past 24 hours. I am so grateful to be here with Uprising. Last night we had a good time at the first campfire sharing our stories and our reasons for being here today. Some of the others' stories really surprised me. God has such an awesome way of bringing people together and it's all for his glory. And speaking of people, I want to remember everything about my thoughts towards my fellow "Uprisers." (: Chloe Crebs, Amber Porter, Casey Bonham, Nathanael Duran, Tyler Brooks, Ian Hall, and our leader Bryan Singleton...

Chloe Crebs has got to be one of the nicest, most sincere girls I have ever had the privilege of knowing, regardless of the fact that I haven't really known her for very long at all. She's sweet, and funny, and I'm really hoping to develop a deeper friendship with her. She seems very similar to me.

Amber Porter might be the most amiable person I have ever met. Haha. She is just such a sweetheart. (: And she's a major encourager, which I can definitely appreciate. I always seem to respond best when I am given positive feedback. Even if there is something I need to work on, I can comprehend the things that need improvement if I am told something that I am doing well.

Casey Bonham has been a friend of mine since before I moved here, but more so since summer of 2009-ish time. Haha. Getting to know Casey has been a journey. He's hard to read sometimes; you don't always know what he's thinking. At least, I can't seem to figure him out. Haha. He really is an amazing guy, though. Man, actually-- an amazing man of God. He's someone I can see having a pretty solid friendship with for a long time.

Nathanael Duran... Oh. My. Gosh. I just met Nathanael on Tuesday, but he has got to be one of the coolest guys I've ever known. Good grief, the kid is hilarious. He will definitely be bringing a lot of laughter into our lives these next nine months.

Tyler Brooks is such a passionate guy! I love it! He is loud, and exciting, and stoked about everything in life. Especially Uprising. It's great. (: I met Tyler for the first time on Tuesday and, honestly, I didn't know what to expect from this guy; but he really is great. He has a story for everything (and they're all long stories) but they're extremely entertaining.

Ian Hall was the one person that I had seen around a lot, but didn't know what to expect because I had never met him before. The guy is awesome. He's goofy, and funny, and real, and just plain cool. He's also juggling Uprising and school this year, so it will be nice to have a buddy to relate to.

Bryan Singleton is just an absolutely incredible person. He's funny, and silly, and he has such a heart for us as interns and for God. I'm excited to see where his leadership will take us in the coming year... or years. (;

This year with Uprising holds so many possibilities... I can't wait to see where God takes us and how he uses us for his purposes. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone even better; and if this goes the way I'm assuming it will, we'll all be very close by the time we get to the end of the next 72 hours. As I get to know everyone, I feel more and more comfortable with letting myself go and just being me-- flaws and all. I just keep reminding myself that everyone in this group is human. We all have our flaws, and we all have our weaknesses, but at the same time we all have our strengths and we all accept each other for who we are-- flaws and weaknesses included. It isn't my intention for anyone from previous years to take this personally, but I think this particular group of interns is the best that Uprising has had to date. I feel like we all have the same heart towards ministry and towards each other. We have the same mindset in that we are all committed to being very group-oriented and selfless. 

All in all...

It's gonna be a great year.